


Afraid you'd hate me

by katychan666



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Internalised Transphobia, M/M, Romance, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:07:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8829901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katychan666/pseuds/katychan666
Summary: Magnus and Alec have been dating for a few months now and Magnus is hiding something from Alec. Then one night, Magnus finally has enough pretending and acting, so he finally lets the other know what is going on with him...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by a friend of mine, you know who you are <3  
> I hope you'll like it :)
> 
> I wrote this a while back, but somehow never got around to publish it... I just felt too nervous, I still do tbh. I hope that people are going to like this ^^;

Magnus and Alec were at Alec's place, currently sitting on the couch, heavily making out. While Magnus was straddling Alec’s hips, the other one wrapped his arms around his waist and brought him closer, slipping a hand under his shirt. Magnus’ body shuddered when he felt the younger’s cold fingers under his shirt and he let out a hitched breath as Alec started lifting up his shirt, his hands travelling up and down Magnus’ back. The older one pressed his lips together, forming a thin line and as he opened his eyes, his entire body shuddered when he saw the way that Alec was looking at him. Alec’s beautiful eyes were full with love and lust as well, Magnus squirming his legs just a little bit, causing Alec to chuckle underneath him.

Before Magnus could say or do something else, the younger male grabbed his chin and pulled his face down again, crushing their lips in a heated and sloppy kiss, making Magnus’ head spin when he felt Alec gently suck onto his tongue and he moaned when he felt the other biting into his lower lip, burying his fingers into Alec’s mane. As he was being swept away by the moment, his eyes snapped open when Alec teasingly rolled his hips up and Magnus could feel something poking him at the thigh. As he looked down and saw the very obvious bulge in Alec’s jeans, he swallowed thickly. That worked like cold shower for him and the moment was ruined, at least for him.

Magnus’ body started shaking as nervousness started kicking in and guilt clawed at his chest. He quickly turned his head to the side when Alec leaned up to kiss him again and just as he was about to get off of the other one, Alec prevented him doing so as he wrapped his arms around his waist and let out a small sigh. Alec didn’t understand what was wrong; they’ve been going out for almost six months and they still didn’t do _it._ Now, Alec didn’t mind waiting for Magnus, though it was slowly starting to drive him insane, but he really didn’t know what the problem was. He had asked his boyfriend countless number of times why he didn’t want to be intimate with him, but never received a proper answer. Because Alec didn’t want Magnus to think that he was with him only for sex, which was kind of stupid since they were together for such a long time, but he never made a comment about it. Until now.

“Magnus, what’s wrong?” asked Alec quietly and looked at his boyfriend, who wore a troubled expression on his face and Alec felt his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach. Magnus would always make that kind of expression when they would start being intimate with each other and lately, he saw that expression more and more, not only at moments like that one. He knew that Magnus was hiding something from him and that made Alec sad; what was it? Magnus knew how much he loved him, so why wouldn’t he just tell him what was up?

Magnus, on the other hand, was feeling horrible. He wanted to run away, but he couldn’t do it since Alec had prevented him from running away that time and Magnus firmed loose fists with his hands and he then looked down again. The fact that he and Alec weren’t making any progress was because Magnus was lying to Alec for the past six months. Well, it wasn’t exactly lying, because Alec never asked, but… Magnus still knew that it was wrong, he was leading Alec on. He was transgender, used to go by the name of Megan, but transitioned when he finally gathered enough courage and support from his family and friends. However, he had never told Alec that. His past experiences had taught him that it was best if you didn’t say anything. Besides, most of Magnus’ past relationships ended when he opened up to other people about himself.

He was scared, shaken right to his core. He didn’t know how long he would be able to keep up his lie. Magnus had no intentions of leading Alec on for so long, he was just so afraid of losing him that he didn’t know what to do. At first, he thought that it wouldn’t work out, just like all of his past relationships. But he soon came to realise that Alexander was different from other people and… he just somehow always managed to dodge the questions. However, the hiding was slowly killing him inside, the guilt was eating him alive and he didn’t know what to do. Alec was going to hate him if he’d told him; if he wouldn't accept him, then it would be because of the lying thing. Either way, Magnus knew that the relationships was going to end soon anyway.

“Magnus?” asked Alec again and slowly released his hold around Magnus’ waist and he brought a hand up to cup his face, slowly lifting it up and Alec’s eyes widened when he saw that the other one had actual tears in his eyes. What the hell? Did he do something wrong? “W-why are you crying? Did I do something?” quickly asked Alec. “If I was too pushy, I apologise. I’ll wait some more, we don’t have to go all the way if you don’t want to. We can stop right and-”

“Nothing’s wrong, angel,” whispered Magnus and quickly wiped the tears away, shrugging and forced a smile. The look in Alec’s eyes killed him, he was looking at him as if he was the most important person in the world and that exact look made things worse for Magnus. “It’s late,” he then muttered and looked down. “It’s best if I leave and-”

“Why does it always end like this? There’s obviously something the matter, something’s on your mind and you can’t tell me. Why?” asked Alec and let out a small sigh, biting into his lower lip. “Why don’t you want me to make love to you?” he then asked with a small voice and that made Magnus’ guilt even worse.

“I-It’s not that I want to, I-”

“Then, why?” asked Alec and tilted his head to the side, softly ruffling Magnus’ soft hair and he gave the other one an encouraging smile. “Do you want to be the one on top? You know, I honestly don’t care. I just-”

“On top?” asked Magnus and scoffed, his heart falling to the pit of his stomach yet again and he looked up, his heart hammering against his ribcage. He honestly felt like crying, he was so hopeless. He didn’t know what to do. It would be easier to just hide it for a little longer, but there was no way that he could put up the act anymore. “I can’t,” whispered Magnus and shook his head. “I don’t have a… I’m not what-” went on by saying the older, but then stopped because he knew that he was just blabbering, without making any sense at all. That was just how he was when he was nervous and scared.

“Slow down,” whispered Alec and Magnus’ eyes welled up when the warmth of Alec’s hands hugged his face. Once Magnus calmed down just a little bit, Alec wiped the tears away with the sleeve of his sweater and he let out a small sigh, his heart breaking to see his boyfriend in so much pain. He wanted to help him, he really did, but he didn’t know how. If Magnus would just open up to him and… “Now,” he said. “Tell me what’s wrong. Slowly.”

“I can’t,” breathed out Magnus.

“Why?”

“I-I was lying to you,” blurted out the older one and Alec’s yes widened.

“Are you cheating on me?” snapped Alec and grabbed Magnus’ shoulders tightly.

“W-what?” asked Magnus in disbelief and quickly shook his head. “Of course not, why would you think that?”

“Then what do you mean that you lied to me? Come on, just tell me.”

 

“I'm afraid,” whispered Magnus and as he wanted to stand up, Alec stopped him again and pulled him into a tight embrace pressing a kiss on top of his head and his heart broke when he felt just how much Magnus was shaking in his arms. “P-please let me go, Alexander, I am begging you.”

“I could never hate you,” said Alec, meaning his every word. Even though he knew that whatever Magnus was hiding from him had to be serious, he meant what he said. There was nothing that would stop him from loving the older male. “Now, tell me,” he then said again and Magnus’ heart melted when Alec started scattering small kisses all over his face. “I love you, I could never hate you.”

Magnus was about to say something back as a protest, but his words fell silent when he looked into Alec’s eyes. The look in his eyes calmed him down, made him almost believe that Alec was going to stay with him no matter what. “I’m trans,” whispered Magnus, his voice small and scared. As those words left his mouth, his entire body went numb and for the next few seconds all that he could hear was the loud and fast thumping of his heart. However, then all of those emotions came back, hitting him hard and he gripped onto Alec’s shirt tightly as he waited for him to say something. “I-I am sorry t-that I lied to you and even though I-I had no intentions of leading you on… I was afraid you might leave me… all of the others did when I told them so I was just so nervous and… so guilty that I would lie to you, I just-”

Alec’s eyes widened when Magnus finally told him what was holding him back and the young man just blinked a few times, a frown forming between his eyebrows as Magnus started talking again. As Alec continued to think about it, he realised that there were things that he could have picked up; Magnus getting nervous when they would get intimate. Magnus would never take off more than his shirt in front of him either, but only under a condition if the lights were dimmed; and even then, he would be very self-conscious about how he looked like. Alec could never get it, because to him Magnus looked perfect, but now it all made sense. He then sighed and arched an eyebrow when Magnus finally stopped talking. If the other one honestly believed that he would hate him over such a thing, he was mistaken.

“I don’t want to sound mean, but,” said Alec and made a short pause, Magnus’ body tensing up. “That’s it?” he then asked, his voice gentle and light, a smile cracking his serious expression.

“Huh?” asked Magnus and nervously looked down to Alec’s face.

Alec gently placed his fingers under Magnus’ chin and gently held his face close as he leaned closer to press their lips together in a gentle and soothing kiss. “What I’m trying to say,” said Alec and pressed a kiss against Magnus’ temple. “You’re an idiot if you thought that I would leave you over something like this,” said Alec, sounding kind of annoyed, but he still had a smile on his face. “To me it doesn’t matter at all,” he then muttered, feeling his face heat up just a little bit. He watched how Magnus’ eyes widened and Alec’s smile widened as well. “I don’t care, you’re still you. I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me sooner, I completely understand why you’d be afraid,” he said. “But so you know, those people were assholes if they decided to break up with you over such a thing. You’re perfect the way you are and I love you for that.”

Magnus’ heart stopped beating for a split second and then it started racing with the speed of light, unable to calm down. When he heard Alec say that, he was honesty speechless. No one before had said that to him and now that it finally happened, all that he could do was to wrap his arms around Alec’s neck, bury his face into the other’s neck and silently sob in his arms as he felt a huge weight lifting off of his chest. He was so afraid of Alec hating him. But now things turned out completely different as he first expected them to go and he was beyond happy about that.

“Thank you,” whispered Magnus. “You’re seriously the best thing that had happened to me, I mean it,” was saying Magnus in between his sobbing and even though he wanted the tears to stop, they just wouldn’t stop falling. “You’re perfect, Alec. A-and I love you so much. I-”

“Shh, calm down,” whispered Alec into Magnus’ hair and kissed the top of his head yet again. It killed him to see Magnus crying so much, but he knew that this time those were tears of happiness. “Don’t cry.” Magnus looked up at him and even though he nodded, tears continued to roll down his face. Alec chuckled and started kissing the tears away, Magnus slowly smiling as Alec’s hair tickled his face. “You’re such a cry baby, do you know that?” teased Alec then and Magnus bit his lower lip.

“I love you, Alexander,” whispered the older one and smiled when he was pulled into another embrace.

“I love you more, Magnus.”


End file.
